OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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