the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Let's get the cat blown out
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
