I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
