she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
