Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
