I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
