i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
