Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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