When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
