Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What changed your mind?
Being sober
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
