Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
