she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
