fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
