My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We're too hungover to prance.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
