a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
