Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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