Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
