There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
