I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
