Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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