dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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