I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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