I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
