Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
