My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
