please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
