I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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