A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
