You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
