On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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