Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
