bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
