i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
