Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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