I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
