They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
