Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Boobs speak an international language.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
