I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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