last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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