Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
