i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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