i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
