I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
