seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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