GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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