The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
