half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
