I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He better not be in your backpack
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
