the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
