It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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