She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
