He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's official drugs can't kill me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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