I accidentally had phone sex last night
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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