No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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