We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Will you blow on my dice?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
